Less Is More

The other day I had the misfortune of riding in the elevator with a man that smelled like he had bathed in a lake of cologne (it actually smelled less like cologne and more like generic off brand room spray)...like the kind of label-less Poop Spray you would find in the back bathroom of a government funded day care center.

                                  

Honestly, this junk smelled so bad that if my best friend came anywhere near me with it I would end the friendship immediately…without a second thought. 

REALLY SIR! if you’re going to stage an all out attack on the senses of the general public at least have the decency to over- use something nice…something classy like…

....that Dolce & Gabbana stuff that attracts people to Matthew McConaughey even when he’s wearing a shirt…or the Gucci stuff that apparently makes you smell like James Franco after he’s gone swimming in his clothes…hell…(I can’t believe I’m about to say this but)…Axe body spray would even be a better alternative to the toilet water you chose to coat your skin with!  

FYI...there are other ways to deal with B.O…its called a shower!...and no…a Febreeze spray down is not a substitute! 

The only good this man’s perfume bath did was provide him with ample elbow room in the elevator…because the extreme burning of my eyes and nostrils and the fear of the stench seeping into my clothes was enough for me to scoot as far away from him as possible and desperately search for a patch of fresh air in that box we were enclosed in.  There were times in that seemingly endless journey, when I wished I could have stopped the elevator mid floor and pushed him out…and in an ideal world…that would have happened.

Unfortunately this wasn’t the first time I have encountered someone like this…everyone is guilty of the crime of over indulging in the artificial scents…and not just guys…girls too (Cucumber Melon lotion anyone?)

Just remember when you’re getting ready to leave the confines of your house...nobody asked to be drowned in a sea of flowers (it may sound appealing...but it's not)

                     

 And guys…don’t even bother carrying around a can of Axe in your gym bag….because if you think spraying yourself down after you’ve just gotten all sweaty is going to do anything other than create a potpourri of B.O and chemicals…you are sorely mistaken…you are better off just owning up to your nasty sweat musk

 It’s ironic that the fragrances we rely on to quell our paranoia of offending people’s senses can just as easily have the same negative effect as smelling bad.

                   

The products people use should come with a label:

or 

I’m not saying that making an effort to smell good is wrong…when used in moderation cologne and perfume can be great….just remember in this case…less is more…WAYY less is more! 

TV Is Getting Too Crazy For Me

So I was watching TV with my friend and this commercial for an online college came on. The commercial featured a girl laying in bed in her pajamas talking about how she could earn an education without ever having to change out of them….of course I thought this shit was a joke but after some EXTENSIVE research (a quick Google search and a trip to the website) I found out...it’s legit.

At first I was astounded by the ridiculous stupidity of the program…but then I realized…hey…at least they’re being honest. Instead of making up some shit like brightfuture.com or motivationandhardwork.org…they come up with a site that truly expresses their lazy intentions—CollegeinPJs.com

It’s like some dude was complaining one day…

”Hey man…I just want to earn a degree…but I CAN’T GET OUT OF MY PAJAMAS…just…ahh man they’re SO SOFT…the only thing getting between me and my college education…is pants”

And then his friend jumped up out of the bean bag chair he was lounging in and was like….

“YA MAN…I just want to gain the benefits of a degree WITHOUT EVER LEAVING MY BED…I need Saturday morning cartoons, a mixing bowl full of cereal, AND a diploma….is that TOO MUCH TO ASK!?”

The answer? NO SIR…It is most certainly NOT too much to ask!

BAM! Enter… College-In-PJs.com   

Straight up ingenuity right there….

1) See an issue

2) Assess the situation

3) Eliminate the problem!

Can’t go to school cuz you don’t want to get dressed?...no worries…now you won’t have to!

10 bucks says this site is sponsored by PajamaJeans…if you don’t know what those are…see for yourself...Pajama Jeans....

 …all the comfort of stretchy pants with the ILLUSION of a really crappy pair of jeans…JUST LIKE JEANS…minus denim…and everything else that distinguishes jeans from regulars pants…

While ugly and unnecessary...these EXTREME MOM JEANS are key for the lazies because they allow them to trick people into thinking they've gotten dressed while still being able to say that they're earning an education IN THEIR PJs! 

20 Things I Probably Maybe...Definitely Should Stop Doing

20 Things I Probably Maybe…Definitely Should Stop Doing

1) Updating my Facebook status more frequently than I breath.

*Note to self (and everyone else on facebook) NO ONE CARES! *

2) Blatantly staring at strangers so hard that they convince themselves they know me in order to feel less violated by my penetrating eyes…

3) Admitting unusually awkward facts about myself that undoubtedly make me seem creepy…and potentially dangerous 

(see #2) 

4) Creeping on other people’s puppies like it’s my J.O 

5) Going at least 20 mph over the speed limit then slamming on the breaks RIGHT IN FRONT of a     

cop…not an effective move

6) Screening my phone calls….wait no…I’ll never stop doing that…

7) Incorporating unnecessarily crass language into everyday casual interactions with people who I’m unfamiliar with…a.k.a accidentally asking the waitress at a breakfast place if I could “just have a fucking bagel” instead of an english muffin…true class right there….

8) Being myself in front of people who just HAD THE PLEASURE of making my acquaintance (this sounds sad but trust me…cracking a joke about stalking someone and following them home is no way to make friends…I know this from experience) 

9) People watching and eavesdropping….wait no…I’ll never stop doing that either…

10) Picking my nose…ok that one is a joke…

11) Making lame jokes (Exhibit A: #10) 

12) Saying “hot as balls” in front of my parents and their friends

13) Using the phrase “that’s legit” when I have nothing better to say in response to someone…especially when what they say is not…in fact…legit. 

14) Listening to Christmas music year-round….wait no…I’ll DEFINITELY never stop doing that…

15) Dancing behind strangers when their backs are turned 

(I’m ashamed that I ever found this particular activity amusing) 

16) Misspelling the SHIT out of every word in the English language 

17) Referring to the parking attendant at this one lot in downtown Columbus as my friend…she's not really my friend...she thinks I’m crazy….

18) Being oddly obsessed with Justin Bieber…STOP IT KRISTA…he’s a child! 

19) Mistaking every flash of light for the blinker on my blackberry then rushing to my phone to look for a text or e-mail or bbm that doesn’t exist 

20) Not paying attention in class and missing out on tips and clues for the final exam…which just happened as I was writing this...shit….

I Can Has Job Now?

You know what drives me crazy?....job/internship interviews! The entire process is a time consuming, intimidating, self-doubt inducing experience that only strange people (those who get some sort of satisfaction out of embarrassing themselves) should endure....

Nothing is worse than being made to feel inferior to someone…and in an interview type situation you could be an overqualified genius from Harvard and it wouldn’t mean S because the person sitting across from you…holding your resume...is going to OWN you…reducing you to a nervous stuttering mess incapable of remembering why you’re even sitting there in the first place….

 

INTERVIEEEEEEEEEEWWWW

The worst part of the entire process is that its all based on bullshit…everything from the resume you send in to your responses to the series of whack-ass questions you’re expected to answer is just for show because everyone involved knows you only want that job for one reason…MONEY.... or that internship because you need something (ANYTHING) to put on your resume…so you can get a job…to make money…

Let me break a couple of things down…first the resume. Chances are if you’re applying for an internship you have nothing to put on a resume…but standard protocol requires you to sum up your entire life’s worth via your academic…philanthropic..and uh..work related “accomplishments”….so even if all you have to show for yourself is a blank piece of paper you MUST call upon the art of bullshitting and over-exaggeration to make yourself look like the ultimate candidate….

Here's what an average college student's resume would look like if it was a true representation of them...

Here's what that same student would actually send out to future employers...

The most infuriating part of the whole process is the “casual” conversation you are forced to engage in as your interviewer slips in a series of seemingly harmless TRICK questions! It’s like they purposely ask you the most mind bogglingly general questions to make you sound like a rambling fool….

                                                                         The Situation

You’re sitting in a stuffy uncomfortable room across from a person you secretly wish you’ll never turn out to be (for the sake of this example we’ll call said person..”the man”) and after a good 5 YEARS of eye contact “the man” leans over….raises an eyebrow….and says…”tell me about yourself”…..THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN THAT...it's not even a question it's a demand….what do they want to know exactly?....could they just be a little bit more specific?...

After you get over the initial shock of the broken silence…you hesitate for a moment…trying to appear calm as you frantically shuffle through your mind…desperately searching for useful and appropriately descriptive information about yourself….

so you end up saying something like…."well my name is Joe Shmo…I am currently a (insert rank here) at College University...majoring in blah blah studies…and ya…I’m very excited for this opportunity." 

SUCCESS…you got through the first question and “the man” barely noticed the fact that you peed your pants or that you don’t normally have a stutter…OR that your voice was a good 5 octaves higher than usual….

After yet another seemingly endless silent stare down “the man” leans over again and says “mm hm mm hm…now tell me….what do you hope to get out of this experience?”…..EXCUSE ME?...HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO HONESTLY ANSWER THAT QUESTION!?

If I knew he wanted a truly honest answer this would be me….

Or if I was in a better mood….

But I’m like 85% sure that answers like that would not go over well so you have to say something like…"well I really want to just get a feel for what it’s like to work in a blah blah environment…and explore the multiple ways I can apply my studies to a career in the blah blah field….BLAH BLAH”

No matter how horrible or how well the interview goes…”the man” looks thoroughly unsatisfied as he stands up…shakes your hand…and says something like “well…we’ll take a closer look at your resume and we’ll be in touch”…while you back up towards the door bowing and thanking him for the opportunity….

Finally you are free...free to await the rejection...or WORSE the news that you actually got the job/internship and are now obligated to spend precious moments of your life absent-mindedly doing someone else's work....

but hey...a job's a job...right? 

Um..Excuse Me...Do You Really Want to Eat That?

It really drives me crazy when… people try to pass off Trail Mix as a healthy form of dessert! Just because something has nuts and raisins in it doesn’t mean it’s a healthy snack ANNNNDDD just because something has miniscule traces of what may have once been chocolate in it doesn’t mean it counts as a dessert! 

People are always munching on trail mix when they want something sweet but are refraining from indulging in (a.k.a depriving themselves of) delicious things like cookies or brownies (mmmm J )…but the sad truth is…they’re only picking out the M&Ms…lets be real here…without the chocolate, trail mix would be SHIT...who wants to eat a bunch of miscellaneous dry pellets and unusually salty raisins?...maybe Jeremiah Johnson (but that guy can do whatever the hell he wants..have you SEEN his beard?) 

I can’t stress enough how much trail mix IS NOT A DESSERT….here’s a story…

Earlier this year I had to attend a mandatory meeting for something so dumb that I can’t even bring myself to remember what it was for….the only thing that made it bearable was the fact that we were promised some sort of dessert...so I walk in with hopes of cookies and cake (you know…tastey nice things you really shouldn’t eat but desperately wish you could eat everyday without consequence)…my sweet dreams were shattered when I walked into the bogus meeting only to find a tub of Gorp (for those of you that don’t know gorp is another word for trail mix..it stands for something campy like “good old raisins and peanuts”)…sitting there on the table was a plastic container full of peanuts and dried fruit and not even a single trace of chocolate…umm where were the tastey treats responsible for getting me through the torture that was this meeting?…nowhere...because they were replaced by a container full of lies…

This made me wonder…do people actually consider a potpourri of the world’s most bland snacks…something that was made as a make-shift meal for people that like to walk amongst trees…a dessert?...if so…the world is a sad place…and Willy Wonka would be weeping right now 

So unless you’re out…hiking the TRAILS…or unless you ARE that guy on the right...... 

next time you want something sweet…do yourself a favor and invest in a packet of M&Ms because you know that’s what your inner fatty is begging for anyways…none of that Jack Kerouac salty sweet air tight freeze dried foodstuffs they call trail mix...

I Dislike People That Walk

It really drives me crazy when….people walk in front of my car when I’m driving! College campuses are THE WORST…they’re crawling with careless cross-walk phobes who LIVE for diving in front of traffic.

I KNOW there are more people walking than driving on campus and kids need to get to class and blah blah BLAH… I know!…I have feet…and legs…I walk places…I too have been a pedestrian and TRUST ME.. ..I know how frustrating it is to wait to cross the street only to have some whack-ass car scooch up in an attempt to block your path and or crush your feet…

BUT … I just recently started driving to campus more (lazeballs I know) and after experiencing life on the other side I have been exposed to the nuisance that is the pedestrian….the bane of my existence!

The Situation

You’re driving along…if it’s the morning you’re listening to some radio DJ do everything in his power to avoid playing actual music and share random crap about his personal life ....

...if it’s after dark you’re listening to some 10 minute long techno mash up of what sounds like B.Spears  and Kanye West..or might just be the Black Eyed Peas….

ANYWAYS...

it’s smooth sailing until you hit a red light…unfortunately you have to stop...so you're sitting there thinking “ehhh mehhh… WHY IS THIS THE LONGEST LIGHT EVER!?” and as you look around (awkwardly trying to avoid making eye contact with the person in the car next you) you notice all the pedestrians gathering waiting to cross the street… you ALSO notice that NO ONE is moving...cars included…it’s like they designed the stop light system to only allow movement at the most inconvenient time… thus creating the ultimate car vs. people showdown….suddenly the light turns green and you’re like “HELL YA LETS GET THE EFF OUTA HEERRREE”(or at least that’s what I’m always like)…your foot reaches for the gas pedal..BUT WAIT…you're stuck in the middle of the cross walk because a wave of people has spilled out into the street making it impossible to move!

…you sit there watching your window of opportunity slowly slip away as people SAUNTER across the road (you would think they would pick up the pace considering the fact that they are crossing something that big metal boxes on wheels come zooming down at high speeds..but no)..I guess every pedestrian on a college campus likes to live life on the edge…that or they’re oblivious ass holes (I’m gunna go with this one)…so you’re practically having an aneurysm in your car as you watch obnoxious students take an ungodly amount of time to walk 2 feet…a couple of people swipe the hood of your car..just cause they can..another person stops to make eye contact to ensure that you know that they are FULLY AWARE of the fact that they are stealing precious seconds of your life...

THEN…wait minute..wait a minute THE STREET IS CLEAR GO GO GO…FREEEDDOOM...wait...SHIT..FML..the light is red again...and the saga continues…

Honestly you should just never drive anywhere (except maybe country roads where the only thing that can get in your way is a tumble weed..or a couple of dead squirrels)…If you do choose to drive in a place where people exist…be prepared and watch out for the ones who make it their MISSION IN LIFE to prove that pedestrians have the right of way...GAH...there are always those people that are like “ehh…I don’t care I’m gunna walk...fuck cars…pedestrians have the right of way…the car will just stop for me!”

...YA BITCH...BUT WHAT IF IT DOESN’T !?!?  Who has the ability to harm who!?...You, the human with breakable bones and internal organs that aren’t supposed to bleed…or the driver fully equipped with a heavy metal mass on wheels that can seriously F YOUR S UP!?...I swear to G…don’t overestimate the kindness/alertness of others…cuz when you’re lying down in the street after being hit by a  speeding car...it won’t mean SHIT when you’re screaming “BUT I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY”…cuz you should be saying “Wow..I’m an idiot for not waiting .2 seconds and assuming that the moving vehicle wouldn’t hit me as I dashed out in front of it to prove a point!” 

Hunger Pains and Your Stomach's Revenge

It really drives me crazy when my stomach decides to be an ass hole and start growling in the middle of class! Ok...not “arrrgh I’m sooo angry…gah…I need to go kick puppies and crush flowers” crazy…but  “ehh…I don’t want to deal with another awkward occurrence to add to the discomfort of sitting in a silent room full of strangers” crazy.  

DISCLAIMER: I would never really kick a puppy…so don’t worry about it…but oohhh man flowers…those photosynthetic bitches better watch their backs!

Lets face it…a growling stomach is only cute for Winnie the Pooh (when he gets all “rumbly in his tumbly”) 

...but for everyone else it is inexplicably embarrassing.

Now you might say, “Hey, why are you getting worked up over something as harmless and natural as your body’s friendly (more like vengeful) indication of your need for food?...it happens to everyone”

YES EXACTLY!...It happens to everyone…which is why I know from experience that practically everyone can relate to this…

The Situation

You’re quietly sitting in class, desperately trying to stay awake and decipher your professor’s hand writing when you feel it set in…the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach that gives you yet another reason to want to escape the agonizing torture that is class. DAMN you need food! Upon the realization of your hunger you think to yourself “Really? Again? I just ate!” (you can eat a feast fit for a king before class but as soon as you sit down it’s like you’ve never eaten food before in your life…a standard reaction to being required to sit still for hours)

Ok so you’re hungry…it sucks but no big deal, you’ll just grab some food after class. That is when your stomach gets pissed…and shit gets real…

All of a sudden…amidst the dead silence of the classroom a CACOPHONY of uncomfortably awkward sounds erupts from your midsection…at first it comes as just a minor burst of stomach turbulence…you look around…shift in your seat…and move on….

30 seconds later a symphony of gurgles and grumbles explodes out of you like the finale of a fireworks display…

in any other setting, these sounds would go unnoticed but NOT IN A CLASSROOM…it’s like they were designed for bodily noise amplification….a series of “peeeeuuuuuwwwsss” and “mmmmrrrmmrrrrrss” echo and bounce off the walls straight into your peer’s ears…they look around while trying to appear unfazed…but you know they’re all snickering and wondering what the hell that sound is…

What you desperately wish you could do is stand up and explain that you are not experiencing some sort of intestinal issues…but unfortunately that is NOT an option and you should probably never do that…trust me...

Instead you resort to some pathetically weak and obvious attempt to disguise the soundtrack blaring from your abdominal region….my ineffective method of choice is hugging my stomach in some hope that my arms have the ability to muffle the sounds like a silencer on a gun…THEY DON’T… and despite the fact that it obviously won’t work I squeeze tighter thinking my arms can somehow suppress the hunger…THEY CAN’T…most people prefer the common Cough-So-As-To-Make-It-Seem-Like-You’ve-Just-Been-Clearing-Your-Throat Method

…but who are they kidding?  The growling of your stomach sounds nothing like the result of a tickle in your throat. It much more accurately resembles the sound of passing gas (blech!)…which is what everyone assumes you’re doing anyway

The pain of this experience is sharp but short…like ripping off a band-aid (kind of…) But everyone should find comfort in the fact that since you generally don’t know anyone around you…you can just leave in temporary shame and embarrassment…drown the hunger in delicious tasty treats…and move on with your life….

Unless you’re in class with me…because I will remember forever…it happened to my friend months ago…I still tease her about it today