Hunger Pains and Your Stomach's Revenge

It really drives me crazy when my stomach decides to be an ass hole and start growling in the middle of class! Ok...not “arrrgh I’m sooo angry…gah…I need to go kick puppies and crush flowers” crazy…but  “ehh…I don’t want to deal with another awkward occurrence to add to the discomfort of sitting in a silent room full of strangers” crazy.  

DISCLAIMER: I would never really kick a puppy…so don’t worry about it…but oohhh man flowers…those photosynthetic bitches better watch their backs!

Lets face it…a growling stomach is only cute for Winnie the Pooh (when he gets all “rumbly in his tumbly”) 

...but for everyone else it is inexplicably embarrassing.

Now you might say, “Hey, why are you getting worked up over something as harmless and natural as your body’s friendly (more like vengeful) indication of your need for food?...it happens to everyone”

YES EXACTLY!...It happens to everyone…which is why I know from experience that practically everyone can relate to this…

The Situation

You’re quietly sitting in class, desperately trying to stay awake and decipher your professor’s hand writing when you feel it set in…the empty feeling in the pit of your stomach that gives you yet another reason to want to escape the agonizing torture that is class. DAMN you need food! Upon the realization of your hunger you think to yourself “Really? Again? I just ate!” (you can eat a feast fit for a king before class but as soon as you sit down it’s like you’ve never eaten food before in your life…a standard reaction to being required to sit still for hours)

Ok so you’re hungry…it sucks but no big deal, you’ll just grab some food after class. That is when your stomach gets pissed…and shit gets real…

All of a sudden…amidst the dead silence of the classroom a CACOPHONY of uncomfortably awkward sounds erupts from your midsection…at first it comes as just a minor burst of stomach turbulence…you look around…shift in your seat…and move on….

30 seconds later a symphony of gurgles and grumbles explodes out of you like the finale of a fireworks display…

in any other setting, these sounds would go unnoticed but NOT IN A CLASSROOM…it’s like they were designed for bodily noise amplification….a series of “peeeeuuuuuwwwsss” and “mmmmrrrmmrrrrrss” echo and bounce off the walls straight into your peer’s ears…they look around while trying to appear unfazed…but you know they’re all snickering and wondering what the hell that sound is…

What you desperately wish you could do is stand up and explain that you are not experiencing some sort of intestinal issues…but unfortunately that is NOT an option and you should probably never do that…trust me...

Instead you resort to some pathetically weak and obvious attempt to disguise the soundtrack blaring from your abdominal region….my ineffective method of choice is hugging my stomach in some hope that my arms have the ability to muffle the sounds like a silencer on a gun…THEY DON’T… and despite the fact that it obviously won’t work I squeeze tighter thinking my arms can somehow suppress the hunger…THEY CAN’T…most people prefer the common Cough-So-As-To-Make-It-Seem-Like-You’ve-Just-Been-Clearing-Your-Throat Method

…but who are they kidding?  The growling of your stomach sounds nothing like the result of a tickle in your throat. It much more accurately resembles the sound of passing gas (blech!)…which is what everyone assumes you’re doing anyway

The pain of this experience is sharp but short…like ripping off a band-aid (kind of…) But everyone should find comfort in the fact that since you generally don’t know anyone around you…you can just leave in temporary shame and embarrassment…drown the hunger in delicious tasty treats…and move on with your life….

Unless you’re in class with me…because I will remember forever…it happened to my friend months ago…I still tease her about it today

 

First Day of Class:Intimidation and Inevitable Failure

It drives me crazy that all professors feel the need to scare the shit out of you on the first day of class. It’s common knowledge that the first day is nothing but a waste of time (you go…you sit..you get talked at..and you leave) Why do they feel the need to drag you into class only to go over some bullshit syllabus they already posted online IMMEDIATELY after the end of the previous quarter (you know…just as a friendly reminder of the hell that awaits your return from the short but sweet taste of freedom that is break)...

Every first day of class I sit there absentmindedly staring at my new professor and I can’t help but think…”umm excuse me WE CAN READ...we don't need you to aggressively recite your own writing word for word!”


They subject us to a 2 hour syllabus narration meant to painfully remind us of the gut-wrenching control they have over the upcoming 9 weeks of our lives and the worst part is…we are actually expected to remember the mind numbingly endless list of ridiculous policies and restrictions they come up with! 

Exhibit A: a typical syllabus for a generally simple class…

Syllabus for Writing 101: The Basics of Grammar and Punctuation

1)You may NOT disrupt class

2)You may NOT miss lecture under ANY circumstances (including your own death)

3)You may NOT write with your left hand

4)You may NOT use #2 pencils

5)You may NOT use any calculator other than that tiny crusty pocket one from 1982 you brought to school just for emergencies (Note: if you are unsure if you have the proper device please see the 10 page list of restricted calculators I compiled in my free time)

       *Rule 5 Sub-section B) a standard Abacus IS permitted

6) You may NOT blink more than 5 times throughout lecture...5 points will be deducted from your class participation for every extra blink and 2 points will be deducted for any squinting (Note: I take this policy very seriously. I WILL be watching!)

7) Under the circumstance that you are unable to attend lecture and in the event that blah blah blah BLAH BLAAAHHH….

....3 years later the prof is STILL going on their power trip...while you had to build a raft out of your notebooks to stop from drowning in the sweat pouring out of you and your peers…amidst your silent panic you're rearranging your schedule in your head desperately trying to find a way out of the class that doesn't result in you spending the rest of your life living in a dorm eating soggy chicken nuggets and ramen noodles....

aaaannnd FINALLY….

9,999,999) You may NOT under ANY circumstances pass my class! 

This goes for most if not all classes…no matter how easy you think it’s going to be…it never is…

You could take a class on anything from astrophysics to sunshine and bunnies and they will be equally as hellish because professors ALWAYS feel the need to prove that their class is a relevant and fundamental component to your success in life…

For example, you sign up for Unicorns and Rainbows 101: An Examination of All Things Magical…something so harmless and simple you should just have to attend to get an A right?...wrong…

Here is what the class SHOULD be…

Course Objective:  Lets look at pretty pictures and smile! Oh…and eat candy!

Student Response: “HELL YA!”

This is how it REALLY is….

Course Objective: This class is an analysis of the mythological being known as the Unus Cornu most commonly known as the Unicorn pertaining to the refractive nature of a spectrum of colors otherwise known as a Rainbow.

Student Response: “Oh shit….did I just pee my pants?...Yup”

Then you wonder why the HELL you even signed up for the class in the first place and you remember you needed to fulfill the University course requirements which, naturally include an essential 5 credit fantasy course without which you cannot graduate…or function in society (because you know all schools require you to take a ridiculous amount of classes completely unrelated to your major and to life in general!)

It’s pointless to complain about this because…yes…everyone goes through it and sure…not every professor is out to get you (maybe…) …but still in the end half the crap you’re forced to memorize and cram into your brain just to graduate with some sort of degree gets forgotten and goes unused while what you do remember probably won’t help you at all….

“Uhhh..no sir I don’t know what 50% of 100 is….no I’m sorry I don’t know when World War 2 took place…no I have no idea how to prepare fast food…I can’t tell the difference between paper or plastic either…but I CAN tell you the approximate pH of a Unicorn’s tears…”