You know what drives me crazy?....job/internship interviews! The entire process is a time consuming, intimidating, self-doubt inducing experience that only strange people (those who get some sort of satisfaction out of embarrassing themselves) should endure....
Nothing is worse than being made to feel inferior to someone…and in an interview type situation you could be an overqualified genius from Harvard and it wouldn’t mean S because the person sitting across from you…holding your resume...is going to OWN you…reducing you to a nervous stuttering mess incapable of remembering why you’re even sitting there in the first place….
INTERVIEEEEEEEEEEWWWW
The worst part of the entire process is that its all based on bullshit…everything from the resume you send in to your responses to the series of whack-ass questions you’re expected to answer is just for show because everyone involved knows you only want that job for one reason…MONEY.... or that internship because you need something (ANYTHING) to put on your resume…so you can get a job…to make money…
Let me break a couple of things down…first the resume. Chances are if you’re applying for an internship you have nothing to put on a resume…but standard protocol requires you to sum up your entire life’s worth via your academic…philanthropic..and uh..work related “accomplishments”….so even if all you have to show for yourself is a blank piece of paper you MUST call upon the art of bullshitting and over-exaggeration to make yourself look like the ultimate candidate….
Here's what an average college student's resume would look like if it was a true representation of them...
Here's what that same student would actually send out to future employers...
The most infuriating part of the whole process is the “casual” conversation you are forced to engage in as your interviewer slips in a series of seemingly harmless TRICK questions! It’s like they purposely ask you the most mind bogglingly general questions to make you sound like a rambling fool….
The Situation
You’re sitting in a stuffy uncomfortable room across from a person you secretly wish you’ll never turn out to be (for the sake of this example we’ll call said person..”the man”) and after a good 5 YEARS of eye contact “the man” leans over….raises an eyebrow….and says…”tell me about yourself”…..THERE IS NOTHING WORSE THAN THAT...it's not even a question it's a demand….what do they want to know exactly?....could they just be a little bit more specific?...
After you get over the initial shock of the broken silence…you hesitate for a moment…trying to appear calm as you frantically shuffle through your mind…desperately searching for useful and appropriately descriptive information about yourself….
so you end up saying something like…."well my name is Joe Shmo…I am currently a (insert rank here) at College University...majoring in blah blah studies…and ya…I’m very excited for this opportunity."
SUCCESS…you got through the first question and “the man” barely noticed the fact that you peed your pants or that you don’t normally have a stutter…OR that your voice was a good 5 octaves higher than usual….
After yet another seemingly endless silent stare down “the man” leans over again and says “mm hm mm hm…now tell me….what do you hope to get out of this experience?”…..EXCUSE ME?...HOW IS ANYONE SUPPOSED TO HONESTLY ANSWER THAT QUESTION!?
If I knew he wanted a truly honest answer this would be me….
Or if I was in a better mood….
But I’m like 85% sure that answers like that would not go over well so you have to say something like…"well I really want to just get a feel for what it’s like to work in a blah blah environment…and explore the multiple ways I can apply my studies to a career in the blah blah field….BLAH BLAH”
No matter how horrible or how well the interview goes…”the man” looks thoroughly unsatisfied as he stands up…shakes your hand…and says something like “well…we’ll take a closer look at your resume and we’ll be in touch”…while you back up towards the door bowing and thanking him for the opportunity….
Finally you are free...free to await the rejection...or WORSE the news that you actually got the job/internship and are now obligated to spend precious moments of your life absent-mindedly doing someone else's work....
but hey...a job's a job...right?
