Um..Excuse Me...Do You Really Want to Eat That?

It really drives me crazy when… people try to pass off Trail Mix as a healthy form of dessert! Just because something has nuts and raisins in it doesn’t mean it’s a healthy snack ANNNNDDD just because something has miniscule traces of what may have once been chocolate in it doesn’t mean it counts as a dessert! 

People are always munching on trail mix when they want something sweet but are refraining from indulging in (a.k.a depriving themselves of) delicious things like cookies or brownies (mmmm J )…but the sad truth is…they’re only picking out the M&Ms…lets be real here…without the chocolate, trail mix would be SHIT...who wants to eat a bunch of miscellaneous dry pellets and unusually salty raisins?...maybe Jeremiah Johnson (but that guy can do whatever the hell he wants..have you SEEN his beard?) 

I can’t stress enough how much trail mix IS NOT A DESSERT….here’s a story…

Earlier this year I had to attend a mandatory meeting for something so dumb that I can’t even bring myself to remember what it was for….the only thing that made it bearable was the fact that we were promised some sort of dessert...so I walk in with hopes of cookies and cake (you know…tastey nice things you really shouldn’t eat but desperately wish you could eat everyday without consequence)…my sweet dreams were shattered when I walked into the bogus meeting only to find a tub of Gorp (for those of you that don’t know gorp is another word for trail mix..it stands for something campy like “good old raisins and peanuts”)…sitting there on the table was a plastic container full of peanuts and dried fruit and not even a single trace of chocolate…umm where were the tastey treats responsible for getting me through the torture that was this meeting?…nowhere...because they were replaced by a container full of lies…

This made me wonder…do people actually consider a potpourri of the world’s most bland snacks…something that was made as a make-shift meal for people that like to walk amongst trees…a dessert?...if so…the world is a sad place…and Willy Wonka would be weeping right now 

So unless you’re out…hiking the TRAILS…or unless you ARE that guy on the right...... 

next time you want something sweet…do yourself a favor and invest in a packet of M&Ms because you know that’s what your inner fatty is begging for anyways…none of that Jack Kerouac salty sweet air tight freeze dried foodstuffs they call trail mix...

I Dislike People That Walk

It really drives me crazy when….people walk in front of my car when I’m driving! College campuses are THE WORST…they’re crawling with careless cross-walk phobes who LIVE for diving in front of traffic.

I KNOW there are more people walking than driving on campus and kids need to get to class and blah blah BLAH… I know!…I have feet…and legs…I walk places…I too have been a pedestrian and TRUST ME.. ..I know how frustrating it is to wait to cross the street only to have some whack-ass car scooch up in an attempt to block your path and or crush your feet…

BUT … I just recently started driving to campus more (lazeballs I know) and after experiencing life on the other side I have been exposed to the nuisance that is the pedestrian….the bane of my existence!

The Situation

You’re driving along…if it’s the morning you’re listening to some radio DJ do everything in his power to avoid playing actual music and share random crap about his personal life ....

...if it’s after dark you’re listening to some 10 minute long techno mash up of what sounds like B.Spears  and Kanye West..or might just be the Black Eyed Peas….

ANYWAYS...

it’s smooth sailing until you hit a red light…unfortunately you have to stop...so you're sitting there thinking “ehhh mehhh… WHY IS THIS THE LONGEST LIGHT EVER!?” and as you look around (awkwardly trying to avoid making eye contact with the person in the car next you) you notice all the pedestrians gathering waiting to cross the street… you ALSO notice that NO ONE is moving...cars included…it’s like they designed the stop light system to only allow movement at the most inconvenient time… thus creating the ultimate car vs. people showdown….suddenly the light turns green and you’re like “HELL YA LETS GET THE EFF OUTA HEERRREE”(or at least that’s what I’m always like)…your foot reaches for the gas pedal..BUT WAIT…you're stuck in the middle of the cross walk because a wave of people has spilled out into the street making it impossible to move!

…you sit there watching your window of opportunity slowly slip away as people SAUNTER across the road (you would think they would pick up the pace considering the fact that they are crossing something that big metal boxes on wheels come zooming down at high speeds..but no)..I guess every pedestrian on a college campus likes to live life on the edge…that or they’re oblivious ass holes (I’m gunna go with this one)…so you’re practically having an aneurysm in your car as you watch obnoxious students take an ungodly amount of time to walk 2 feet…a couple of people swipe the hood of your car..just cause they can..another person stops to make eye contact to ensure that you know that they are FULLY AWARE of the fact that they are stealing precious seconds of your life...

THEN…wait minute..wait a minute THE STREET IS CLEAR GO GO GO…FREEEDDOOM...wait...SHIT..FML..the light is red again...and the saga continues…

Honestly you should just never drive anywhere (except maybe country roads where the only thing that can get in your way is a tumble weed..or a couple of dead squirrels)…If you do choose to drive in a place where people exist…be prepared and watch out for the ones who make it their MISSION IN LIFE to prove that pedestrians have the right of way...GAH...there are always those people that are like “ehh…I don’t care I’m gunna walk...fuck cars…pedestrians have the right of way…the car will just stop for me!”

...YA BITCH...BUT WHAT IF IT DOESN’T !?!?  Who has the ability to harm who!?...You, the human with breakable bones and internal organs that aren’t supposed to bleed…or the driver fully equipped with a heavy metal mass on wheels that can seriously F YOUR S UP!?...I swear to G…don’t overestimate the kindness/alertness of others…cuz when you’re lying down in the street after being hit by a  speeding car...it won’t mean SHIT when you’re screaming “BUT I HAD THE RIGHT OF WAY”…cuz you should be saying “Wow..I’m an idiot for not waiting .2 seconds and assuming that the moving vehicle wouldn’t hit me as I dashed out in front of it to prove a point!”