First Day of Class:Intimidation and Inevitable Failure

It drives me crazy that all professors feel the need to scare the shit out of you on the first day of class. It’s common knowledge that the first day is nothing but a waste of time (you go…you sit..you get talked at..and you leave) Why do they feel the need to drag you into class only to go over some bullshit syllabus they already posted online IMMEDIATELY after the end of the previous quarter (you know…just as a friendly reminder of the hell that awaits your return from the short but sweet taste of freedom that is break)...

Every first day of class I sit there absentmindedly staring at my new professor and I can’t help but think…”umm excuse me WE CAN READ...we don't need you to aggressively recite your own writing word for word!”


They subject us to a 2 hour syllabus narration meant to painfully remind us of the gut-wrenching control they have over the upcoming 9 weeks of our lives and the worst part is…we are actually expected to remember the mind numbingly endless list of ridiculous policies and restrictions they come up with! 

Exhibit A: a typical syllabus for a generally simple class…

Syllabus for Writing 101: The Basics of Grammar and Punctuation

1)You may NOT disrupt class

2)You may NOT miss lecture under ANY circumstances (including your own death)

3)You may NOT write with your left hand

4)You may NOT use #2 pencils

5)You may NOT use any calculator other than that tiny crusty pocket one from 1982 you brought to school just for emergencies (Note: if you are unsure if you have the proper device please see the 10 page list of restricted calculators I compiled in my free time)

       *Rule 5 Sub-section B) a standard Abacus IS permitted

6) You may NOT blink more than 5 times throughout lecture...5 points will be deducted from your class participation for every extra blink and 2 points will be deducted for any squinting (Note: I take this policy very seriously. I WILL be watching!)

7) Under the circumstance that you are unable to attend lecture and in the event that blah blah blah BLAH BLAAAHHH….

....3 years later the prof is STILL going on their power trip...while you had to build a raft out of your notebooks to stop from drowning in the sweat pouring out of you and your peers…amidst your silent panic you're rearranging your schedule in your head desperately trying to find a way out of the class that doesn't result in you spending the rest of your life living in a dorm eating soggy chicken nuggets and ramen noodles....

aaaannnd FINALLY….

9,999,999) You may NOT under ANY circumstances pass my class! 

This goes for most if not all classes…no matter how easy you think it’s going to be…it never is…

You could take a class on anything from astrophysics to sunshine and bunnies and they will be equally as hellish because professors ALWAYS feel the need to prove that their class is a relevant and fundamental component to your success in life…

For example, you sign up for Unicorns and Rainbows 101: An Examination of All Things Magical…something so harmless and simple you should just have to attend to get an A right?...wrong…

Here is what the class SHOULD be…

Course Objective:  Lets look at pretty pictures and smile! Oh…and eat candy!

Student Response: “HELL YA!”

This is how it REALLY is….

Course Objective: This class is an analysis of the mythological being known as the Unus Cornu most commonly known as the Unicorn pertaining to the refractive nature of a spectrum of colors otherwise known as a Rainbow.

Student Response: “Oh shit….did I just pee my pants?...Yup”

Then you wonder why the HELL you even signed up for the class in the first place and you remember you needed to fulfill the University course requirements which, naturally include an essential 5 credit fantasy course without which you cannot graduate…or function in society (because you know all schools require you to take a ridiculous amount of classes completely unrelated to your major and to life in general!)

It’s pointless to complain about this because…yes…everyone goes through it and sure…not every professor is out to get you (maybe…) …but still in the end half the crap you’re forced to memorize and cram into your brain just to graduate with some sort of degree gets forgotten and goes unused while what you do remember probably won’t help you at all….

“Uhhh..no sir I don’t know what 50% of 100 is….no I’m sorry I don’t know when World War 2 took place…no I have no idea how to prepare fast food…I can’t tell the difference between paper or plastic either…but I CAN tell you the approximate pH of a Unicorn’s tears…”